this.is.love.

i'm just going to come right out and say it: i am hopelessly and completely blind-sided in love with my imperfect family

so many things have taken place after graduation that have opened my eyes to what has always been in plain sight though i've selfishly neglected it for nearly 23 years. and i am left absolutely overwhelmed. even now as i think about it all, i have severely underestimated the impact that my family has on my Christian walk, and they still love me just the same

for instance, i recently had the opportunity to drive my grandparents down to one of my absolute favorite places in the world: Charleston, SC. we were driving down to visit some family members that we unfortunately don't get to see much of anymore, but years ago used to spend entire summers with. naturally i was totally on board with going to Charleston because i love it anyways. i was also really looking forward to having time with just my grandparents because with Paps' Alzheimer's getting worse, it's now more important than ever to clinch as many days as you can when he recalls you and emphatically yells, "hey Chris!!" while looking at you with a familiar smile rather than one out of confused courtesy. those things were fueling my desire to road trip down there for sure

but truth be told that a large part of me was apprehensive for the actual intent of the trip. not because i didn't want to visit my family, but so much has changed lately that rendered me unsure of how to respond. a hefty amount of tension and drama that could initially lead many to a very heavy and unfortunate place of questioning and evaluating "the point of it all anymore". when i remembered this, it felt as though a cold, wet blanket of hesitation would smother me. the sad thing is that i wasn't sure i wanted to see through it

when life takes you in a variety of different places from your loved ones, you sometimes find that the common ground you once maintained has been subleased to other things and there now exists a distance between you. it's in those times that i can't help but feel totally helpless, and i hate that. i mean, what's to say that once i got down there, the common ground would no longer exist and the entire week would be filled with awkward small talk and failed attempts to reconnect? not that that would stand in my way of loving them; i guess what i mean to say is, in what ways could i show them that unconditional love even if i can't relate to them anymore?

once we got there, i quickly realized that it wasn't up to me to be "bringing anything to the table" so to speak. that they were in fact the ones who were teaching me, "hey, this is how this love thing is done". and i don't even know if they realize it. the first night, i had a late-night heart-to-heart with my aunt and i realized that she saw me not as her little-kid niece anymore, but as an actual adult that can very much relate to the things she's experienced. and that even though life may not have dealt her the hand that she desired, she certainly is better equipped than others to play the hand she's got. it was incredibly encouraging to see them in this way and to know without a doubt that they see me just the same

part of me felt that by making the trek down there that i was to be serving in any way that i could, and it turned out that i was the one being served. go figure when you think you're good to go in one realm of life, then life finds it ironic to mold you through the ones you wanted to mold in the first place

on the way back home, Nana and i talked about many things, but one thing was what God had humbled me with by spending that week in Charleston with them. my heartstrings have been graciously pulled by love where i didn't expect it to. it pains me to admit that i foolishly assumed the depths of love i found in California wouldn't carry back to the other side of the Mississippi, much less to the family that has been with me for my entire life. perhaps it wasn't the situations in life that have changed how my family loves. that said love has been there all along, i was just too busy focusing on love on my own terms to notice i wasn't even scratching the surface of the vast and endless chasm that is love

even if life plays you a different hand than those you're playing with, you always have love in common. absolutely always.

as if that wasn't eye-opening enough for me, i realized that coming home i held the same assumptions to my family here as my family in the south. and wouldn't you know it that Mom inadvertently verified to me that i had sorely underestimated her ability to challenge and encourage me in love and in faith

the learning continues even after you've graduated -- who knew? as for right now, the conclusion is that my heart is simply overflowing with thankfulness, gratitude, and love. and it's amazing. simply love

the sweet life

for as much as i have to write and update about, i usually don't find myself as unsure of how to start as i do right now. it's been about a month since i took the red eye back to Cincinnati from California. so much life happening between this post and the last, even now as i sit on my bed typing [which, by the way, i was very much looking forward to reuniting with after spending three months in the same sleeping bag]. the theme that seems to relate the string of events and changes in my life, of course, would be that God is utterly and without a doubt amazing beyond belief.

California, as you might have guessed, was much more than any girl could have ever asked for or dreamed of. To be honest i initially expected little in terms of feeling attached to the people and atmosphere out on the west coast. it's funny, though, how so many times in my life what expectations i have towards something get totally remixed then thrown back at me, in a good way of course. but after the first week of really getting my feet wet with camp and filming kids, it became more than apparent that God had me in for a surprise. Nothing against my friends and family from school and home, but never in my life have i met such genuinely loving people that are so real with themselves and each other. it was as if any pretenses of superiority and perfection never once seeped into the lives of those i was blessed to be blessed by. funny how much more you have in common with others when you stop pretending to be anything or anyone other than yourself and acknowledge that 'we all have our stuff in life but hey that's not going to hold me back from loving you or investing into your life.' the way that they love others didn't come from a sense of duty or obligation, but because they have a genuine desire to do so. it wasn't a we-work-together-so-what-choice-do-we-have type thing, but more of a clover,-this-is-what-legitimate-unconditional-love-looks-like type thing. even writing about it doesn't really do any justice for how faithfully they love and how grateful i am for their gift of friendship. it was really tough towards the end of the summer; just thinking about walking back into the airport instantly brought tears to my eyes. and to think i didn't even cry at graduation or when i moved out. crazy.

best summer yet. of course i could talk forever about California, and i probably will the next time someone asks me, "hey how was California?!?" i'll save it for later--wouldn't want to spoil anything, right?

so of course i was more than reluctant to come home because it meant so much more than that. to me, coming home legitimately meant starting life over. i knew that my experience in Cali was only temporary and i only knew what life had in store for me until August [which extended out until labor day]. but what's the next step once i step off the plane? unemployment? check. living with the parents? check. still single? you guessed it...check. sounds like a pretty sweet life. and you'd be right. well, of course those seem highly lame and not ideal at all once you've spent three months experiencing life in a whole different way on an entirely different coast. remember it's all in how you look at things. yeah unemployment blows when you have bills to pay and are wearing dents in the steering wheel after pounding it so many times when another company turns you down. but when you don't have a job that is taking up a lot of your time, you are free to do things for the people you love that are in your life. now that i'm home, i get to spend way more time with my two youngest cousins that live on the other end of the street because i am here and not away at school or camp. i get to trade silly bands, take them to see Despicable Me, go trick-or-treating with them, and spend time with them at football practice. i get to figure out tennis late at night with my other cousin that is getting married on Friday. my parents and i can go out to watch the Reds become NL Central Division Champions because we have free time when dinner is already made and the house gets cleaned. my dog gets to go for walks or ride shotgun in the middle of the day because i am there with her. it's strange that i'm back in the same house that i've lived in for 21 years, yet it seems as though i'm living in it in a different way. of course if i get a job offer, the amount of time might be spent differently, for now, though, life is pretty sweet and i kind of like it. a lot.

stay tuned, more to come later i'm sure

sitting, waiting, wishing

it seems that things are starting to get down to the wire, well maybe not really, but i'm leaving for California very soon and i can't help but feel incredibly unprepared.  questions seem to be consistently thrown my way that i have no idea how to answer just yet and after a while it stresses me out.  that's not what i mean to portray about Cali--it's just not my style to feel this way before leaving to go someplace, especially for an extended period of time

when i was in Hawai'i i started to write a blog entry but then just cancelled out of it for no reason at all.  since i'm leaving soon, i figure it'd be a good idea to write because who knows, i may be without the internet for the next two months, though i highly doubt it

a lot has been going on lately, mostly good but of course that depends on the perspectives you choose to take.  trust seems to be the big thing that has stuck out to me for this past month with regards to a lot of things.  for instance, i have to trust that if i don't get my questions answered about California that everything will still work out just fine and the world will not come to an end if i don't find out who is picking me up from the airport.  ok yes that may be a more superficial example of how i am learning about trust right now, but it's an example nonetheless.  it just seems that as i start dipping my feet in the vast expanse that is the real world, i find myself overwhelmed and clinging more and more to Jeremiah 29 : 11 like it's my job

as far as California goes, i'm a conglomeration of excitement and nerves.  i am so grateful to have a job for the summer and just for the opportunity to grow spiritually in a community of some pretty solid people.  not only that but also having the experience of learning so many new things with video and filming as well.  i feel as though the majority of what i know with editing/filming stems from the news angle, which is cool and all, but i really don't like the news format.  so being in a more creative, collaborative environment is way choice for me.  and, um, hello it's California.  sun, mountains, traveling, it's all exciting to me!  however, i know that it's going to be uncomfortable for me initially because i don't know a single person there; everyone is going to be a new face.  that's not too bad i mean i like meeting people and getting to know them.  and it's not even the fact that i'll be living in a tent for two months that has me wanting to stay home, though i have been trying to get the most out of my bed these past few days because it WILL be missed.  what has me torn is the fact that i am just starting to get settled from moving out of Purdue and coming back from Hawai'i, spending time with people like i used to when i knew i'd be around them for a while, and i feel like i have to put that on hiatus.  i've never had to do that before, at least i don't think i have.  this is where trust comes in, i have to trust that things will still be alright when i come home

there have been a lot of people, especially in my family, that have really been on my heart and in my prayers lately and i have to admit that part of me feels that if i stay where i am, everything will work out.  that if i go away for a while, something could change and i'd be stranded with my hands tied.  obviously i have no control over these different situations and my location has no influence on their outcomes, but there is a feeling that people get when something is wrong you just want to be there close by, you know?  trust.  trusting that everything works out exactly the way that it is supposed to and for our good.  this doesn't apply only to me, but most importantly to the people that i love and care about.  romans 8 : 28 keeps coming to mind

this is a weird entry and i apologize if you are thinking, "why am i still reading this?"  i don't usually write this way.  things are actually going really well for me right now, at least as far as i can gauge, and i wouldn't change a thing about my life.  i think it's just that my heart feels heavy for the moment and i don't want my new surroundings to distract me from what is going on here.  yeah i think that's a better way of putting it.  took me long enough to figure that out : P

there's still a whole lot left to this entry that i mean to say, but i think that i'll just leave things as they are.  that's not to say that i wouldn't be opposed to talking about them further if presented the opportunity to do so, but i have about 5 other programs running on my computer right now and i think my computer might spontaneously combust if i don't wrap this up soon : )

continuing education

five

days until i graduate and get my degree.
years that i have been at Purdue.
classes this past semester.
piercings currently maintained.
games we won in intermural softball.
hours of sleep last night.
couples that got engaged in the past five months.
pairs of shoes i left by the door.
floor-burn scars from modern dance class.
weeks until i fly to california.

almost too surreal.  i know i've already written about how crazy it feels to be at the threshold of life, so i will try and refrain from reiterating.  the idea that's been awakened in my mind lately is acknowledging all the experiences i've gathered these past five years and how none of them came from any class i took.  sophomore year found me realizing that i never anticipated on learning so much about myself and that school played a very miniscule role in this discovery

seriously, life is so incredibly vast and to think that so many of us spend four or five years immersed in college thinking that studying will really teach us what will sustain us for the rest of our lives is completely absurd to me!  i mean don't get me wrong, getting an education can be a good thing, but you have to allow life to teach you along the way as well.  as i was running today i was thinking about just how much i've learned since freshman year and knowing that those things will absolutely carry through the rest of my life

it's almost like a bargain if you think about it; paying for college education but letting life teach you so much more along the way.  the things professors teach you may change over time as discoveries are made or as technology advances, but what about self-discovery or human interaction?  how often do those things change?

maybe i'm just rambling now, but i find so much comfort and peace in what life has taught me lately that i'm eager and ready to see it put to practice.  sure the experience of learning about life isn't always pleasant or relatively smooth, but even kites need the wind to allow them to fly

the power of encouragement, what does it mean to love others, how to take chances, the beauty of relinquishing self-reliance, compassion, why Purdue often smells so bad, patience, where my breaking point is, vulnerability, how to change a tire and jump a car, laying aside self-glorification, what in the world ear candles are, the power of prayer, hookah, what it means to cling to the Lord, how to share, the characteristics of a good listener, freedom, what a personal relationship with Christ looks like, my insecurities, how to bake, finding comfort in community, sincerity, disregarding trivial opinions--ahh i don't want to end this list!

well Purdue, it's been real, but it's time for me to transition on outta here.  you've taught me so much, but i know that there is still so much more for me to learn and i can't wait to get there.  let's do this thing cause life is oh so good

a change for the better

wow--what a night!  i have been wanting to write this entry for so long now, but felt that i should wait until after i gave my senior talk / life story on Friday at CRU.  and now the time has come!

it's kind of hard for me to know where to begin with this particular entry because i know that i have a lot to say, but, as is typically true of me, order escapes my thoughts.  it's funny to me that i can be so excited for something and not have a clue as to how to express that in words.  why can't the ever-increasing orb of excited frenzy just do the talking for me?

a few entries ago, regarding a certain concert i went to, i mentioned near the end about seeing things differently in my life.  not in the literal sense, of course, but in how opportunities are perceived and what i spent a lot of my mental time engaged in.  my good friend Chris commented that he was eager to hear more about what i was getting at with that.  when i read that, i so badly wanted to tell him, "just give me a few more weeks and it may help clear things up," but i refrained.  i have to start this off by simply saying that God is completely and utterly amazing.  not in the wow-God-you're-super-cool sense of amazement, but more of the i-can't-believe-what-your-love-means-for-my-life-and-how-it-has-changed-me-so-radically sort of realization.  it's just so uncanny how what you have grown up 'knowing' your whole life yet not fully grasping nor truly 'believing' until years later, can become so incredibly profound when all of the divine pieces click together for you.  perfect timing it seems

without a doubt this past [school] year has found me in completely different places, spiritually, and it's been so incredibly humbling to truly know that God is waiting for me on the other side of my selfish walls that i've hidden behind for so long.  the areas in my life where i've seen deliverance [not the movie] have for so long kept me enslaved to my own self that i truly believed freedom was only possible for everyone else.

at the closing of last summer i was at wit's end with myself and felt the burden of ten years weighing down with a vengeance.  not only was i affected by it, but also my walk with the Lord and interaction with others.  over the course of several months, though, freedom came.  to say that it was glorious would be an understatement.  and it was absolutely remarkable to me how quickly my mind began to be renewed in a way that wasn't selfishly focused on how i could experience my own personal glory.  think in terms of it being a 2 hour commute that's been minimized to 5 minutes--i had a lot more mental "free time" on my hands.  so what would i do with all of this extra mental free time?  well, in seeing how much more enjoyable life is now that i am not focusing solely on myself, i was overwhelmed with how much i genuinely desired to love and serve others. not because it would be polite, not because it's Biblical, but because it was a real and sincere motive.  that's never been so true of me before!  yeah that sounds self-centered and egotistical, but at my core that's who i was.  and you know what, it has made such a remarkable difference in the way that i perceive things.  as i posted before, life is so much more enjoyable when you spend it loving others--the way that it was intended.

on my birthday this past week i was sad to think of how i spent nearly 22 years living for myself, but was encouraged to realize that not only is the rest of my life ahead of me to live but to love as well.  God's timing is so funny to me sometimes.  i mean, graduation is in 22 days, so in that regard life is starting something new, but also these things that i've come to learn and realize this past year have truly prepared me to come to this threshold for living.  and in the shadow of a birthday, the notion of a new life is again repeated.

on a side note, i did hear back from the Creation Museum on thursday and i won't be moving forward in the interviewing process with them.  that was a bit discouraging but i realize that there is something better in store and for whatever reason i am not being led to work there.  only time will tell, i just have to learn to be more patient is all.

in the meantime i fully intend to milk every last bit of enjoyment out of being at purdue while i am still here.  it's true that i can't wait to begin this next chapter of my life, but you don't just jump chapters in a book [at least you aren't supposed to], you have to finish one to enjoy the beginning of another.  Friday night i gave my senior talk, which was such an exciting joy and opportunity to share, and there was a surprise birthday party at The Bakery for a friend after that.  i had my first sandwich from Frank's, which was a bad food decision at 1am, but oh baby was it so delicious!  Stef and i split a Fat Girl which consists of a hot dog bun filled with chicken fries, bacon, mozzarella sticks and ranch dressing.  you haven't lived until you eat at Frank's.  what else...sorry, i need a moment to ponder...oh right--today we're having a food fight [unintentional rhyming].  one thing to cross off of my bucket list!  after that we're having our CRU formal, the last one i'll ever go to.  hopefully my modern dance class has prepared me for this : )

well i should probably wrap this up since our house is still a mess from the party last night and i still need to get ready for the food fight.  hm...what should i wear??

moving at the speed of life

it's almost absurd to me that i am writing in the blog today considering that i have spent a good majority of the day stuck behind the screen of my mac [daddy] working on a final paper.  but it must be the late-night nature in me to unwind in this way as a means to feel tired enough to go to bed.  fat chance

i had been meaning to write in here earlier this week when it would have been more therapeutic than anything, but the start of my weeks always seem too busy for that.  also on a side note, i must be trying to figuratively kill two birds with one stone in the sense that i have a movie playing for the sake of enjoyment rather than for a film class, which is something i also would do during the week if i had the time.  three cheers for a disney classic

anyways, i've been thinking a lot about this, no doubt due to the inevitable fact that graduation is in my midst, but there are times where i'm all on board for moving on with my life and then reality sets in and i find myself in dread.  last semester it was a different story; you would have had to take me kicking and screaming from purdue, but now 99% of the time i am ready to bust out of here.  however, the events of this week have kind of thrown me for a mild loop to say the least

yes graduation is a month away today, yes as of right now i don't have a job, and yes it is extremely hard to be patient in waiting well for an update from any of the places i've interviewed.  by this past wednesday i was hoping to hear from the Creation Museum to know if i am moving onto a second interview.  as it stands this is my first choice if offered a position, but since i haven't heard anything yet i can't put all my eggs in one basket.  which is fine, i mean i don't mind waiting, but the thing is that a month ago i was given an offer for a full-time position with a different employer for only the summer and they've been patiently waiting for an answer from me and need an answer stat.  oh boy

so i was imagining i would hear from the museum after a week or so and when that didn't happen i was starting to stress.  on the one hand, there's the position i would love to have that's full-time with much-needed medical benefits that i'm not hearing back from, and on the other hand there's the position that i'm guaranteed for only the summer that is, well, a summer job.  they aren't my only options but at this point they're the closest things i have so far to potential post-grad employment.  so while i was in the middle of thinking about where i currently am, occupationally speaking, a thought occurred to me that i thought was borderline daunting.  my entire life has been spent in preparation for what faces me in one month and counting.  am i really ready for this?  not that a lack of preparedness would delay graduation from happening, but seriously, all that i've spent doing thus far is to ready me for the REST OF MY LIFE.

!!!!!!!!        whoa

i don't mean this to say that i am scared, to be perfectly honest i'm actually looking forward to it, but it would be amiss to say that i haven't felt overwhelmed at times.  this year i am in 17th grade, that's right--rockin the fifth year, but to think that i haven't done much with my life thus far apart from learning is really strange to think about.  it's ironic to think that i feel so young with the rest of my life ahead of me and yet i'm turning 23 this wednesday.  whatev

not much is set in stone for me just yet, but i'm totally chill with it.  part of me enjoys not knowing what is waiting for me two months from now.  but then again, it would be nice to know at some point.  all i know is that i have one final exam, one more final paper left to write, a birthday on wednesday, graduation in a month and hawaii two days after that.  as far as what happens after i get off the plane i couldn't tell ya.  and it's all good

we'll see what's waiting on the other side of life

some unfinished business

there are a lot of things that i am doing at this point in time. then there are the things that i should be doing, such as sleep, doing homework, or, well, not procrastinating. but i often hear people say, "you don't remember the times you stayed up studying, you remember the fun you had outside of studies." so in an effort to have fun and not do my homework, i decided that i should post another blog and dust off my list of unfinished business

i've come to realize that 1.] i absolutely love making lists about anything. in fact, after i finish this list, i am going to move onto making a grocery list for tomorrow [or i suppose later today]. oh, and i also realized that 2.] i haven't been putting much effort into accomplishing this list as of late. which is sad because some of them are fast approaching in terms of opportune times and i'd hate to miss them [like getting my degree for instance]

i guess you could call this my bucket list, but basically this is my list of things that will keep me from dying. that is, i can't die until this list is completed. saavy? let's hope this ends up ringing true. and if you want to help me accomplish some of these that'd be super helpful, cause there is a lot that i want to learn : )

- go back to el salvador
- win the lottery and share the prize
- collect all 50 state quarters

- finish my 'footprints' cross-stitch
- learn photography
- go to more concerts
- save someone's life
- run a marathon
- be important to someone
- learn stick-shift
- learn to whistle with my fingers
- see a tornado
- volunteer
- go parasailing
- relearn the piano
- waste less time
- see a broadway musical, on broadway
- master my longboard
- be swept off my feet
- become an EMT
- go to a professional football game
- deliver a heartfelt punch in the face to someone who deserves it [aka thwart a mugger]
- write a book
- have babies
- make a movie
- vacation to all 50 states
- kiss in the rain
- live in the south
- grow my hair long
- go to culinary school
- find my style
- ride in the trunk of a car
- travel to ireland
- watch all the films on both of afi's top 100 movies lists
- be in a food fight
- identify 100 things that make me happy
- read all Harry Potter books
- photograph the alphabet
- see The Phantom of the Opera live in new york
- learn the guitar
- visit the Sarah Winchester House in california
- get married
- get my degree
- go to australia
- learn to use hair clippers properly
- finish this list
- learn the dance to Moses Supposes
- donate plasma
- own a husky
- attend a taping of The Ellen Show and/or Conan O'Brien's show [if he can find one...]
- try sushi