it's kind of hard for me to know where to begin with this particular entry because i know that i have a lot to say, but, as is typically true of me, order escapes my thoughts. it's funny to me that i can be so excited for something and not have a clue as to how to express that in words. why can't the ever-increasing orb of excited frenzy just do the talking for me?
a few entries ago, regarding a certain concert i went to, i mentioned near the end about seeing things differently in my life. not in the literal sense, of course, but in how opportunities are perceived and what i spent a lot of my mental time engaged in. my good friend Chris commented that he was eager to hear more about what i was getting at with that. when i read that, i so badly wanted to tell him, "just give me a few more weeks and it may help clear things up," but i refrained. i have to start this off by simply saying that God is completely and utterly amazing. not in the wow-God-you're-super-cool sense of amazement, but more of the i-can't-believe-what-your-love-means-for-my-life-and-how-it-has-changed-me-so-radically sort of realization. it's just so uncanny how what you have grown up 'knowing' your whole life yet not fully grasping nor truly 'believing' until years later, can become so incredibly profound when all of the divine pieces click together for you. perfect timing it seems
without a doubt this past [school] year has found me in completely different places, spiritually, and it's been so incredibly humbling to truly know that God is waiting for me on the other side of my selfish walls that i've hidden behind for so long. the areas in my life where i've seen deliverance [not the movie] have for so long kept me enslaved to my own self that i truly believed freedom was only possible for everyone else.
at the closing of last summer i was at wit's end with myself and felt the burden of ten years weighing down with a vengeance. not only was i affected by it, but also my walk with the Lord and interaction with others. over the course of several months, though, freedom came. to say that it was glorious would be an understatement. and it was absolutely remarkable to me how quickly my mind began to be renewed in a way that wasn't selfishly focused on how i could experience my own personal glory. think in terms of it being a 2 hour commute that's been minimized to 5 minutes--i had a lot more mental "free time" on my hands. so what would i do with all of this extra mental free time? well, in seeing how much more enjoyable life is now that i am not focusing solely on myself, i was overwhelmed with how much i genuinely desired to love and serve others. not because it would be polite, not because it's Biblical, but because it was a real and sincere motive. that's never been so true of me before! yeah that sounds self-centered and egotistical, but at my core that's who i was. and you know what, it has made such a remarkable difference in the way that i perceive things. as i posted before, life is so much more enjoyable when you spend it loving others--the way that it was intended.
on my birthday this past week i was sad to think of how i spent nearly 22 years living for myself, but was encouraged to realize that not only is the rest of my life ahead of me to live but to love as well. God's timing is so funny to me sometimes. i mean, graduation is in 22 days, so in that regard life is starting something new, but also these things that i've come to learn and realize this past year have truly prepared me to come to this threshold for living. and in the shadow of a birthday, the notion of a new life is again repeated.
on a side note, i did hear back from the Creation Museum on thursday and i won't be moving forward in the interviewing process with them. that was a bit discouraging but i realize that there is something better in store and for whatever reason i am not being led to work there. only time will tell, i just have to learn to be more patient is all.
in the meantime i fully intend to milk every last bit of enjoyment out of being at purdue while i am still here. it's true that i can't wait to begin this next chapter of my life, but you don't just jump chapters in a book [at least you aren't supposed to], you have to finish one to enjoy the beginning of another. Friday night i gave my senior talk, which was such an exciting joy and opportunity to share, and there was a surprise birthday party at The Bakery for a friend after that. i had my first sandwich from Frank's, which was a bad food decision at 1am, but oh baby was it so delicious! Stef and i split a Fat Girl which consists of a hot dog bun filled with chicken fries, bacon, mozzarella sticks and ranch dressing. you haven't lived until you eat at Frank's. what else...sorry, i need a moment to ponder...oh right--today we're having a food fight [unintentional rhyming]. one thing to cross off of my bucket list! after that we're having our CRU formal, the last one i'll ever go to. hopefully my modern dance class has prepared me for this : )well i should probably wrap this up since our house is still a mess from the party last night and i still need to get ready for the food fight. hm...what should i wear??
