sitting, waiting, wishing

it seems that things are starting to get down to the wire, well maybe not really, but i'm leaving for California very soon and i can't help but feel incredibly unprepared.  questions seem to be consistently thrown my way that i have no idea how to answer just yet and after a while it stresses me out.  that's not what i mean to portray about Cali--it's just not my style to feel this way before leaving to go someplace, especially for an extended period of time

when i was in Hawai'i i started to write a blog entry but then just cancelled out of it for no reason at all.  since i'm leaving soon, i figure it'd be a good idea to write because who knows, i may be without the internet for the next two months, though i highly doubt it

a lot has been going on lately, mostly good but of course that depends on the perspectives you choose to take.  trust seems to be the big thing that has stuck out to me for this past month with regards to a lot of things.  for instance, i have to trust that if i don't get my questions answered about California that everything will still work out just fine and the world will not come to an end if i don't find out who is picking me up from the airport.  ok yes that may be a more superficial example of how i am learning about trust right now, but it's an example nonetheless.  it just seems that as i start dipping my feet in the vast expanse that is the real world, i find myself overwhelmed and clinging more and more to Jeremiah 29 : 11 like it's my job

as far as California goes, i'm a conglomeration of excitement and nerves.  i am so grateful to have a job for the summer and just for the opportunity to grow spiritually in a community of some pretty solid people.  not only that but also having the experience of learning so many new things with video and filming as well.  i feel as though the majority of what i know with editing/filming stems from the news angle, which is cool and all, but i really don't like the news format.  so being in a more creative, collaborative environment is way choice for me.  and, um, hello it's California.  sun, mountains, traveling, it's all exciting to me!  however, i know that it's going to be uncomfortable for me initially because i don't know a single person there; everyone is going to be a new face.  that's not too bad i mean i like meeting people and getting to know them.  and it's not even the fact that i'll be living in a tent for two months that has me wanting to stay home, though i have been trying to get the most out of my bed these past few days because it WILL be missed.  what has me torn is the fact that i am just starting to get settled from moving out of Purdue and coming back from Hawai'i, spending time with people like i used to when i knew i'd be around them for a while, and i feel like i have to put that on hiatus.  i've never had to do that before, at least i don't think i have.  this is where trust comes in, i have to trust that things will still be alright when i come home

there have been a lot of people, especially in my family, that have really been on my heart and in my prayers lately and i have to admit that part of me feels that if i stay where i am, everything will work out.  that if i go away for a while, something could change and i'd be stranded with my hands tied.  obviously i have no control over these different situations and my location has no influence on their outcomes, but there is a feeling that people get when something is wrong you just want to be there close by, you know?  trust.  trusting that everything works out exactly the way that it is supposed to and for our good.  this doesn't apply only to me, but most importantly to the people that i love and care about.  romans 8 : 28 keeps coming to mind

this is a weird entry and i apologize if you are thinking, "why am i still reading this?"  i don't usually write this way.  things are actually going really well for me right now, at least as far as i can gauge, and i wouldn't change a thing about my life.  i think it's just that my heart feels heavy for the moment and i don't want my new surroundings to distract me from what is going on here.  yeah i think that's a better way of putting it.  took me long enough to figure that out : P

there's still a whole lot left to this entry that i mean to say, but i think that i'll just leave things as they are.  that's not to say that i wouldn't be opposed to talking about them further if presented the opportunity to do so, but i have about 5 other programs running on my computer right now and i think my computer might spontaneously combust if i don't wrap this up soon : )