this.is.love.

i'm just going to come right out and say it: i am hopelessly and completely blind-sided in love with my imperfect family

so many things have taken place after graduation that have opened my eyes to what has always been in plain sight though i've selfishly neglected it for nearly 23 years. and i am left absolutely overwhelmed. even now as i think about it all, i have severely underestimated the impact that my family has on my Christian walk, and they still love me just the same

for instance, i recently had the opportunity to drive my grandparents down to one of my absolute favorite places in the world: Charleston, SC. we were driving down to visit some family members that we unfortunately don't get to see much of anymore, but years ago used to spend entire summers with. naturally i was totally on board with going to Charleston because i love it anyways. i was also really looking forward to having time with just my grandparents because with Paps' Alzheimer's getting worse, it's now more important than ever to clinch as many days as you can when he recalls you and emphatically yells, "hey Chris!!" while looking at you with a familiar smile rather than one out of confused courtesy. those things were fueling my desire to road trip down there for sure

but truth be told that a large part of me was apprehensive for the actual intent of the trip. not because i didn't want to visit my family, but so much has changed lately that rendered me unsure of how to respond. a hefty amount of tension and drama that could initially lead many to a very heavy and unfortunate place of questioning and evaluating "the point of it all anymore". when i remembered this, it felt as though a cold, wet blanket of hesitation would smother me. the sad thing is that i wasn't sure i wanted to see through it

when life takes you in a variety of different places from your loved ones, you sometimes find that the common ground you once maintained has been subleased to other things and there now exists a distance between you. it's in those times that i can't help but feel totally helpless, and i hate that. i mean, what's to say that once i got down there, the common ground would no longer exist and the entire week would be filled with awkward small talk and failed attempts to reconnect? not that that would stand in my way of loving them; i guess what i mean to say is, in what ways could i show them that unconditional love even if i can't relate to them anymore?

once we got there, i quickly realized that it wasn't up to me to be "bringing anything to the table" so to speak. that they were in fact the ones who were teaching me, "hey, this is how this love thing is done". and i don't even know if they realize it. the first night, i had a late-night heart-to-heart with my aunt and i realized that she saw me not as her little-kid niece anymore, but as an actual adult that can very much relate to the things she's experienced. and that even though life may not have dealt her the hand that she desired, she certainly is better equipped than others to play the hand she's got. it was incredibly encouraging to see them in this way and to know without a doubt that they see me just the same

part of me felt that by making the trek down there that i was to be serving in any way that i could, and it turned out that i was the one being served. go figure when you think you're good to go in one realm of life, then life finds it ironic to mold you through the ones you wanted to mold in the first place

on the way back home, Nana and i talked about many things, but one thing was what God had humbled me with by spending that week in Charleston with them. my heartstrings have been graciously pulled by love where i didn't expect it to. it pains me to admit that i foolishly assumed the depths of love i found in California wouldn't carry back to the other side of the Mississippi, much less to the family that has been with me for my entire life. perhaps it wasn't the situations in life that have changed how my family loves. that said love has been there all along, i was just too busy focusing on love on my own terms to notice i wasn't even scratching the surface of the vast and endless chasm that is love

even if life plays you a different hand than those you're playing with, you always have love in common. absolutely always.

as if that wasn't eye-opening enough for me, i realized that coming home i held the same assumptions to my family here as my family in the south. and wouldn't you know it that Mom inadvertently verified to me that i had sorely underestimated her ability to challenge and encourage me in love and in faith

the learning continues even after you've graduated -- who knew? as for right now, the conclusion is that my heart is simply overflowing with thankfulness, gratitude, and love. and it's amazing. simply love